Another New Year

Taken care of business every day I pray I can stay away from the thoughts that will sway my mind astray from the dreams I seek outliving my potential won't settle by any means that I'll have to give up
some of those things I love drugs that get me high are the standards she has for me the only thing keeping me afloat is the dream to accomplish the impossible is not a word I'll let leave my lips unstoppable is more like it when we kiss I can't control my thoughts only my body when we rock back and forth coming is the day when I'll be running forward fingertips pressing against all odds biting my nails did I Hurt you I paused the applause but I'm alone what's the cause for loneliness I ask when I'm up on top completed all tasks were what fueled my drive and you the fire that kept me alive i am not without you although i now have it all means nothing will ever replace you.

Shes all mind

I am going to miss you so

Chase your dreams

She left me for her dreams.... An I don't blame her

Love

Love and love and love some more

Time to grow up

Over Vietnamese sandwiches and some Apple juice, my sister and I discussed my not feeling like myself. The conversation went a little something like "You're 20, 21 in six months its time to grow up." And They're it was that damn firework went off like a bomb rattling my detrimental thoughts into inexistence. I had been mopping back and forth from sofa to the sofa chair waiting for something to go wrong but now, something has gone right! And just like the first feeling of liberation from heart break, I dont want to leave myself alone with myself long enough to fall back into the damn sofa chair. So without further ado, Keegan suggested something called an art collective, where, as a photo taker, I may make some like friends. Isn't funny how a simple conversation can lead you the realization that you live in one of the most artistically driven metropolitan cities in the world? Of course running home and opening my computer, doing about 5 minutes of research doesn't actually count for anything. What counts is brushing off the incredibly heavy feelings of uncertainty off of your left and right shoulders in order to begin the the hardest part which is commitment. Well you certainly can't commit to something you're unsure about, which is where you have to, as my med student, soccer coaching gorgeous girlfriend would say, suck it up man. Ambition, its the match that you personally, are going o have to light under your ass every day in order for you to succeed, in anything. And its not going to be pretty like Audrey Hepburn in breakfast at Tiffanys, you are not always going to get the man of your dreams to take care of you while you "figure it all out," which is why you must keep your balance, meaning one foot on the ground at all times, at least while you are chasing your dreams. No one is going to make you happy enough everyday so that you will be happy enough to keep going. That fire must come from within you, and YOU must be the one to light it daily. For the Next ten years of your life, you are going to have to grow up, and for the next decade after that and even after that one. Your never going to be able to make it stop or reverse of speed up or slow down. All of these days are numbered down to how is use you decide to make use of them. It is entirely your choice to exercise your heart and your mind efficiently enough to move forward balanced, and brave. With every ditch you are going to fall into and every heart ache that will consume you, stop, drop and roll while you are on fire, but take something from every single one of those burns and move on. The mistakes are what make you, not what break you. 

No place like home for the holidays

Cuz no matter how far away you roam, if you want to be happy in a million ways .... For the holidays .... Go home you say ?

Oh but I'd love to go home and remminis with everyone I've missed over the past year so much. Laugh and explore the places I have so many times before ....

Well then I will! Someway somehow I will save all that I make and for the greatest Christmas gift known to mankind make it to my family for the holiday.

So how does it work exactly .....

How Is it possible to not lose yourself in the person you love? How do you create who you are, when you're so in love with who someone else is?
Let's have a Whack at this one dear shall we....
My first take, well of course darling, you must be in love with yourself from the moment you put in your mascara in the morning to the time you take off your heels at night before you can dare love anybody else .... Itd be absurd to not love every highlighted hair on your head before Theirs.

Secondly, you'd have to keep up with your hobbies. Like painting, or ballet... Read a good book from the library, that sort of thing. And then, you'll always have a story or two to share.

Thirdly, you musnt forget about your health. Exercising goes a long way for a woman, physically and mentally. Perhaps taking a jog to the market or something a few times a week would calm the nerves and give the mind room for new thoughts. That is if the weather calls for it, if not, their is always a hot bubble bath with candles.

Most importantly though, always remember to bring happiness from within And keep true to your relationships. That way your heart will always be big enough to carry around.

Creating something that will live on beyond you!

A life goal that's worth more than any degree or retirement ...

Who is...The Sexiest woman alive. . . .

Shes taken a trip

(Angrily shouting, questioning her) Ray- "Where, is She?" 

Dani-"Who?"(lights her cigarette) 

Ray-"The girl, the beautiful fucking girl, Where did she go?!" 

Dani- "I dont know, I haven't talked to her since-..."

Ray-"WHY!? Cause you fucked it all up, didn't you?!" 

Dani- "What are you talking about? I did everything I-.... " 

Ray- " NO! You didn't, you fucked up, she was the one, and you blew it, completely fucking up in flames, god you make me fucking sick Dani..." 

Dani- (Bluntly, calmly speaking between cigarette breaths"She wanted everything from me, I have nothing to offer her, its done, let it go Ray"

Ray- "Let it go?! Do you know what the fuck you've done?"

Dani- (Sarcastically) "No Ray, haven't a clue, why don't you feel me in on all of the dramatic details hmm?" 

(Dani hits her cigarette again, holding in for an extra high this time, blowing it out through her lips as slowly as possible)

(Ray snatching the cigarette from in between her fingers, kneels onto his knees extremely close to her sitting face, hands together in pray position) 

Ray- "I have spent the last twenty years of my living dead life watching your every move, protecting over you through everything....Your parents, their drinking, your drinking and drugging.... even the nights when you thought no one could see you planning out your elaborate suicides, stealing your mothers wine to try and understand her... I have been here Dani, and regardless of how much I know you hate it, I am going to say it, I love you and have helped you build this barrier to protect who you are but I am tearing it fucking down, you have got to let her in . . . -

Dani- " Can you just fucking stop please, Jessus fucking Christ What the fuck is wrong with you? My protector isn't supposed to fucking force me to be with someone when I am psychic the fuck enough to know I can't fucking Do it! FUCK!

Ray- " I sent her to you, she is the one who will accept you, help to heal you, its only her that....-

Dani-(She cuts him off, stands up knocking his balance off) "Ay you know what, FUCK OFF!" 

 (and walks out into the distance proudly without a flinch) 

   Ray sits in shock on his but in the dusty sand unable to speak without the will to chase her

Ray- (He shouts to her) " You can't keep doing this, its going to catch up to you, you know this!" 

Dani-(She stops walking, without turning back to acknowledge he's right, she smiles) "And that, is why I keep you around...all the more exciting....get in"   

 Dani reaches the red mustang opens the door, gets in, the engine starts with a choking low rumble, Ray clumbsy like gets to his ffet and joggs after the car reaching the door handle he goes to open it, but she pulls up another 3 feet. He gives up. 

Dani-(shouting outside the car to him) "You gonna drop it?" 

Ray- (He looks around at the sight of no one in the middle of the dessert, its cooling down, night is coming, he kicks the ground obliging. He heads to get into the car, opens the door, jumps in and slams the door shut) 

Dani- "easy!" (Lighting another cigarette, she smiles) "kinda like it when you get all upset loike that, shows a bit of yo mascualinity ...it's kinda cute if you asked me." 

(Ray looks annoyed, she pulls off of the side onto the highway without another car in sight the sun is setting. Ray puts on the radio and sits back preparing for another wild journey)

Ray- "Where are we goin this toime?" 

(dani puts her hand out the window, appears to be home free. )

Dani- "Oh I dunno, I was thinkin Panama City...."

The one that got away

...

Organic dirt....

No woman should .... If....

Possess a cell phone with texting capability ...... When on hammertime

The Origination of a Beautiful Mess . . . . .

If I can't go to School to chase after my dreams 

then I'll Just have to do it like they did it in the Olden Days

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1w7OgIMMRc4&ob=av3e

Setting up your own company is a big ambition, but it's an achievable one

120 BPM

Their cannot be anything more beautiful or liberating than following your dreams, chasing them, never stopping for satisfaction Cause you always want more.....

I want the beauty the freedom the job where the ideas are scarce, and I'm a must, a human sponge I sure am always soaking up every detail I come into contact with and then ringin my self out for the world then I'm on the move again, thirsty for more. So where shall I make a mess of next... stealing second and then third always scoring at Home Base, San Francisco California..... My best impersonation is of Sexy Susan, she speaks with a British tongue, really, really well.... I cant remmeber a time I wasn't speaking with a british accent . . . British Vogue..... Personal British breakfast (Over easy eggs on wheat toast with Jam) HOLYSHIT Hott british guys with REAL british accents not to mention beautiful british ladies . . . the origination of Raves . . . . WIKI SAYS . . . .. 
 "Some other random thoughts: Doug Rushkoff, author of Ciberia, observed that the majority of house music runs at the speed of 120 bpm (the rate of the foetal heartbeat), while Simon Reynolds has noted that raves mimic the atmosphere of a nursery with its use of kids' TV themes, sampled baby vocals, dummies, baggy unisex clothes, and the camouflaging of drugs as sweets. Think about that next time you go dancing......"


Sections 63, 64 & 65 addressed the issue of raves:

"A 'rave' is defined as a gathering of 100 plus people, at which amplified music is played which is likely to cause serious distress to the local community, in the open air and at night. These sections give the police the power to order people to leave the land if they're believed to be:

• Preparing to hold a rave (two or more people)
• Waiting for a rave to start (10 or more)
• Actually attending a rave (10 or more)

Ignoring this direction, or returning to the land within the next week, are both offences, liable to 3 months' imprisonment and/or a £2,500 fine. Section 65 lets any uniformed constable who believes a person is on their way to a rave within a 5-mile radius to stop them and direct them away from the area - failure to comply can lead to a maximum fine of £1000......."

I say Piss off...Ya .. ... To The UK I say . . . <3 United Kingdom Here I come 


http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1672801/rihanna-we-found-love-video.jhtml

olly olly ox and freeeeeeeeeeeeee. . . . .

Their once was a little girl named Jacqueline, who loved to read books with her big sisters cat Olly, whom she loved dearly, almost as much as reading her books. 

This...... is Jacqueline....

And This is Jacqueline and Olly while reading Jack Kerouac together

 Aren't they precious?

Now...

And then . . . 

Nothings gonna change my world

tired.

 Today embracing the indifferences with the world and balls to the wall, not doing shit....

The Remedy

That
The
Him
Instilled
Implanted
Brain
Mind
Heart
affixed
Fastened
Lingers
Hanging
Despite
All the while
Where as
Question
Investigate
Involvement
Enchantment
Delighted
Neither
Nor
Without Choice. . . .
Advice.

its in my head and on my mind . . . .

She grew up in an Indiana town
Had a good-lookin' mama who never was around
But she grew up tall and she grew up right
With them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights

Well, she moved down here at the age of eighteen
She blew the boys away, was more than they'd seen
I was introduced and we both started groovin'
I said, "I dig you baby, but I got to keep movin' on"
Keep movin' on

Last dance with Mary Jane
One more time to kill the pain
I feel summer creepin' in
And I'm tired of this town again

Well, I don't know, but I've been told
You never slow down, you never grow old
I'm tired of screwin' up, tired of going down
Tired of myself, tired of this town


Oh, my my, oh, hell yes
Honey, put on that party dress
Buy me a drink, sing me a song
Take me as I come 'cause I can't stay long

Last dance with Mary Jane
One more time to kill the pain
I feel summer creepin' in
And I'm tired of this town again

There's pigeons down on Market Square
She's standin' in her underwear
Lookin' down from a hotel room
The nightfall will be comin' soon

Oh, my my, oh, hell yes
You got to put on that party dress
It was too cold to cry when I woke up alone
I hit my last number and walked to the road

Last dance with Mary Jane
One more time to kill the pain
I feel summer creepin' in
And I'm tired of this town again

J. Astra Brinkmann..... Talent meets tainted . . . . .

 Nice to meet you talent, I'm tainted

Portraiture by J. Astra Brinkman

A new friend I'm quite Fond of.

Broke and it ain't no joke......

Sneaking on and off the BART to take photos as a favor for a friend in Acting class' very own playwright was an honor. And aside the fear of falling asleep and forgetting to wake up for my stop, I overcame my phobia I think although tad bit fuzzy, I came up with a few solid shots. These were some remarkable student actors I spent the evening catching on camera. Every one of them beaming with life weather with jokes or juxtapose, one way or another, I couldn't get enough of the energy.

P.s. A new camera with a visible viewfinder (no need to carry around a magnifine glass to see) is now, as long as I'm taking photos for others, a NECESSITY! Cannon 5D Mark II ..... come to me if you want to live! Yes, tonight, we have overused the use of the exclamation point, don't judge, just get really excited about something and your right pointer finger will instantaneously support with the assistance of holding down the shift key so your left index can hit that # 1 ! That is if you're right handed, for all you left handers out there  . . .. ... ... ... good luck, and good night!

You never know just who you might run into . . . .

Not in a rush today to make it to class, stirring two cancer creating splenda packets into my coffee at the cream and sugar counter in the cafe across from my school, someone said my name out loud. Sure enough, it was my LA 151_intro to college success_(Fuck ups from first semester) class professor attempting just the same, cup of coffee in hand, to mentally prepare and awaken thyself for the next three hours to come.

"Holy shit!" I thought. "She drinks coffee from the cool collective, not crowded, hot Jamaican guy with dreads working at counter side by side gorgeous chick with tatts, art work wall to wall cafe too? TIGHT!"

"Ya know" . . . she started. . . "Fuck... me,"I immediately thought. "I totally did my paper three hours prior class last week, she totally noticed my complete lack of periods throughout every ranting raving whiny ass sentence....shit!"

But nope, instead, she acknowledged my rant of a paper claiming she quite frankly, enjoyed it and not to mention thought I had a strong voice. She went on, stating my points and then paused with closed eyes crunched brows, almost as if skimming over and finding her favorite parts throughout the written pages, and then reprieved with this almost longing look to proudly say, "I really think you should continue writing, regularly! Do you do any creative writing?"
          Well shit goddamn, that was unexpected. She didnt even bring up some cliche b.s. about how shitty the rain was, or ask me how I was doing in my other classes. She was,is, so cool! We went on talking about writing and her passion for it, how when all else fails she just, writes. To that I wanting nothing more than to relate, told her about the ten day old blog I've married and how It seemed like a nerdy, respected way to bitch and get myself laughing out loud without actually having anymore of a purpose then to just let it all out, and she couldn't have agreed more.

So yeah, to all you fuckers out there that think you think you know what your professors are up to, think again, better yet, quit thinking and ask.

Beauty of belonging . . .. ... ..

To an Art School.....
To a beautiful girl.......

J
U
D
G
E
M
E
N
T

FREEDOM OF BEING ME
R
E
E

..... but its all good . . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJHdT1j6hH8

......

You know that worried feeling you get just after someone walks away..... The feeling in your heart.... like their was something you didn't say or you wish you had said better..... sitting on the cold stoop steps now and I just can't get myself to go inside... I wish a damn car alarm'd go off, snap me out of it. double the points tonight btw ...... Reeeally beginning to make a better person outta myself.... Holy shit, their is now, a car alarm, going off .... And it stopped! ..... And now it's going, again and again and again aaand, its gone, Good night.

"Dont hide the face..."

Somehing feels a little different this morning . . . ..

1st Fix''me

For the first time, I think, ever, Im taking full responsibility for all my messes . . . . it aint gon be pretty, but it is gon be life changing. I'm getting a Frame of Mind Face lift. My attitude alone has cost me my misses and most of all, my closest friend. "Okay, you win," I say. Every god dam time. If their was just one moment where I could get away with something, slip anything past her view. . . . I have to smile at that.


My first steps i got my left foot out in front of the other Got my first list of To Dont's . . . . my weaknesses, distractions, toxic habits I have or may be beginning to form just so I can see clearly how to create a better Me.. . . ...


My Weaknesses
-Beautiful girl(s) -  i think i unknowingly revolt love. . . . now i know.
-Alcohol - shant let a taste touch my lips or ill wrap my hands around your hips and we'll be lip to lip
-Drugs- a potent poison temporarily numbing the pain puhlease, face your own problems princess

It is definitely not easy being a genuinely good person all the time having to push emotions to the side in order to do the right thing and make a habit of doing the right thing even when no one is watching. If I could just grasp onto that pureness inside myself without welcoming in the distractions to alter my creations of good hearted habits. . . . I could accomplish anything, the only person that is stopping me is myself.

My_many__messy__selves

must sleep in order to perform something magical tomorrow ......... to be cont.

Doing the best I can

Did ya know if ya change things will go your way ... If you hold on for one more day

i think i love her . . .

How to know where to begin when you can't find the starting line

It has not been an easy couple of years, moving from place to place al the time everything always up in the air no certainties but death... life can be so overwhelming sometimes, especially when the people who love you most are the ones you let down the most often. Is it because I dont appreciate these people and all that they impact in my life, or is it simply that im just a little slow sometimes, a little to quick to speak and am always trying to please too many at one time? I have no idea what to do... or where to even start...